Side effects of Kindness

After a nice chat with a kind hearted friend, on the way home, I heard on the radio a recommendation for a book entitled, "The Five Side Effects of Kindness" written by Dr. David Hamilton. It was so coincidental that the chat we just had was precisely about how her kind heartedness led her to a somewhat miserable predicament. I haven't read the recommended book but do intend to; the book seems to present the positive outcome of being kind (from what I read online review), which was quite frankly, far from what my friend was lamenting about.

Since the time I knew my friend, I have always felt she was kind; as she was always considerate to her friends, sometimes going all the way out just to help them. She would turn up even in the middle of the night and no matter where on the island, she would drive right over just to console a crying friend. Yet despite what she does, that very same friend she helped, would take her for granted and say nasty things to her. And it's not just one friend we are talking about, many of friends seem to be unappreciative of her kindness and usually end up hurting my friend. As if that wasn't enough, she gets similar treatment from her family too. She would fret over where to bring her parents for a nice meal and when they're done, would complain about what a waste of money it is and how she is an incorrigible spendthrift with no bright future. This is beyond just your usual killjoy and it drives my friend nuts to the point of wanting to give up totally to be kind.

I guess everyone has probably experienced something similar where your kindness was met with blatant ungratefulness. If that is a possible side effect of kindness, so is that reason not to be kind? Yet being not kind is not in my friend's nature, even if she had chosen to be nonchalant to the world, then she wouldn't be my friend at all. To a certain extent, we were all born inherently kind and turning to nastiness only destroys our own being (and sanity too). It turns you into something you're not.

Probably what we need to understand is the true nature of kindness in order to learn to manage it. Firstly if you appear helpful and kind, you have inevitably become a magnet for people who are in trouble and need help. Many people fear helping others and shun away from situations to give a hand to the downtrodden. So when the desperate see a light of hope from someone who is willing to help, they will latch on to that hope; some are grateful, while others may start leeching on their benefactor, sometimes sucking them dry like a parasite. What a scary side effect!

We should all be kind because that's the only sustainable way to maintain our true character and maintain a healthy society in the bigger picture (and not in senseless fear of killing each other). We are not perfect and there are times when we are down and need help from others too. The original definition of kindness is to help others without expectation of reward or in this case, without expectation of being appreciated (and possibly even backstabbed). However, we must remember firstly to be kind to yourself - we must help what is within our capability and if that help starts eating into you, you should refrain from helping further. Be naturally kind, don't be afraid to help strangers too if you're able (if you're timid or vulnerable then don't). And if you sense the person you're helping is taking you for a ride, please take care of yourself and do not get yourself in trouble - there's only so much we all can do. There's absolutely no obligation to help and despite what people think - it's not being selfish. However, also remember the ability to help others is a gift and this gift may be taken away from you if you don't use it.